Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

If Jesus spoke against abortion and prioritized family values, how quickly would he be dismissed as a patriarchal figure by modern progressives?

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

I can count

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

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When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

What do you do to make yourself sleep early?

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I know who the president of Turkey really is

You guys are talking about having sex with dogs. I heard a news man was trying to have sex with a female dog and got stuck inside. Is that possible? How does it feel inside a dog’s vagina?

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

What would you do if you were lost at sea in the Florida Keys?

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

I have complete contempt for fakery

I actually pay taxes

Republicans, why do you support Kamala Harris over Donald Trump?

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I understand how hurricane paths work

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

Which country do you recommend for me to live in, England, the USA, Italy, Spanish, or Austria?

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says:

J.K. Rowling said that 65% of people in Britain are transgender. Where did she come up with that statistic?

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

Why should you never do drugs? Will this story absolutely shock you?

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

I'm a 28-year-old guy who has never been in a relationship, nor can I seem to find someone who wants to be in one with me. Why do I feel like a freak?

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

Why The Simpsons stopped producing Maude Flanders episodes?

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

I can read

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I have complete contempt for traitorism

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I don’t buy bullshit

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I don’t cotton to rapists

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

I have a reading level above third grade

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I see through liars